aureantes | For a good time, call -- 458-25-243

Current Mood: Dig a little deeper....
Current Music: "Don't Cry Out Loud"

For a good time, call -- 458-25-243

PAIN!!!!!!!!!! WHY...PAIN...???....

Don't ask, don't ask, don't let yourself go again, let yourself fall again, every damn time. Learn to be loved in your loneliness only, with never a scrap for the starving, the ravenous thing that lies deep inside, still all-too-close to the surface -- you showed it, you let it be seen. And now you remember, it's just like the last time -- same over and over, and never resigned / for all that you held to of honour and grace, when that moment comes then it all just explodes in your face....

But never drop names, only clues...let the only scandal be yours--and wrap it up inside a fable, sealed inside a fairytale.... --Un homme jeune? --Oui... --what more can be said...?

Just choose your soundtrack for the scene, and let it all play out...that's just the way it goes, no one to blame. Every time the same--don't dare to hope again....don't dare express. Stay away and maybe no one / will disturb the deepest oceans into stress--let sleeping dragons lie, don't run your searching hand / along the tiger's tail....

Something like that--avoid those eyes / for your own have spoken all too much tonight. Say no more, for your words have traveled far and wide. Leave this room or pace awhile in silence, in the darkened moonlight, high and lofty, lowest of them all....

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sorry, this probably isn't the time for wit... :-/

*hugs*

If you need a shoulder to lean on, the ever present sounding board, if any of that might make the pain a little less... Sounds like you've had a rough one.

I'm just an idiot, that's all, and trapped in an interpersonal Limbo. You'd think, after all that I've said about relationships--or haven't--that I'd know better to get all worked up over someone who drops in out of the blue, to open up and share my own loneliness to help theirs -- to let them get close, confide in me, start asking leading questions about love, being a romantic, and whether I believe in marriage/deeper than marriage. Honesty and honour in that always kick me in the face, because I'm not self-defeating enough to state my flaws from the start...and not smart enough to lie for long about anything that matters. I'm too proud to advertise on an alternative dating board and be an automatic poster child for a category...have this crazy idea that maybe if someone gets to know me and gets interested that they'll actually be loving me for who I am. Hence, I'm an idiot.

My mother met her second husband through a newspaper personals ad. He told her on their first real meeting that he was impotent and incontinent, and still she married him....so what the hell is there so wrong with me, apart from my life being a frustrated mess? I'm certainly not incontinent, not bad-looking, and I'm not even technically impotent. Okay, too much information. I may end up deleting most of this stuff anyhow, because it might travel and be noticed and hurt someone else. I'm the only one who deserves getting hurt over something so stupid as this, and I don't want anyone thinking that I'm any less of a friend, ally, confidant, teacher, etc, just 'cause I'm struck to the quick when I let down my guard. I don't even know what I want enough to go looking for it anymore...just, like any animal, get hungry when I start to catch the scent of food. Stupid instincts...

I don't think that makes you an idiot at all... You /should/ be loved for who you are! Anything less would be unworthy of you. You are a talented, witty, brilliant person (rather handsome, really, IMHO). Honesty and honour are /good/ things that more people should have.

If a person can't appreciate that, /they're/ the idiot... (Once again, just my opinion... Don't want to offend, if you're still friendly with this person...)

And I'd like to meet a person whose life isn't a frustrated mess in some way or another... It'd be like laying eyes on a unicorn...

There is so much I could say, but then that would be adding another pesky side, and I'll just come out looking like an ass anyway. I knew better than to read this, so I'll accept this one as my fault. You win, I suck. There.

With friends like litharriel, why the HELL would you want to waste your time speaking to me? I'm just shit on your shoes. I'm sorry I even HAVE a brain much less a capacity for feeling, and I'm far sorrier that I actually DID try to open up in my own stupid, bungled way. I can't right myself or this, and it really is useless to try after reading some of these comments by Aurey's Angels.

I'm not sure if I should read these BEFORE I speak with you or AFTER, as it always has the typical effect of making me feel like I'm at a blanket party in cellblock 6.

PS- we know the reason I went under anon. Feel free to share my handle/online contact info with any of your pals, just so they can think even less of me, and let me know about it.

Why the hell would I do anything like that? I don't expose anyone but myself here. And Ancient Pine Resin, that is....but she ceratinly doesn't hang around here to read what I say.

*certainly*

It just kicks me in the face, whenever I think things are turning in an intimate/romantic direction with someone (whether or not I've seriously considered whether I *want* to be with them, moreover--my own desires aren't that clear), I take the opportunity to be honest rather than leading them on thinking I'm just a regular guy -- and then get that awkwardness. I've done it before...it's the metaphorical hand grenade I hold to blow things up whenever it looks like someone might get close to me.

Between the hand grenade and the Ginsu set, I certainly have it made.....

When was I ever reluctant with *that* issue?

When I stumbled and had problems getting back up and staying up, I FROZE up- metaphorically, too. Ice either melts, splinters, or becomes vapor and drifts away.

It's very simple. I don't know how I fell through your filters, but I am spam. You've opened me, read me, now put me in the junk folder, because the more you read, the more irritated you'll be that I got to your inbox.

Is that what you really want? Because I don't throw people away easily, unless they're shallow, stupid, malicious or outright exploitative. Suffice it to say you are none of those. Besides, this was not your fault, any of it. Ask me for the details and I will give them in full, in private.

Your reasons are private for a reason. It isn't my position to pry, and I won't.

litharriel, through all of this, has been the one groupie with the voice of reason- if it isn't going to work, don't invest time in it because it's A- fruitless, and B- hurtful (to both parties. Unimaginably, irreparably hurtful.)

Although, I am tempted to bristle with indignant defense on your behalf (unnecessarily, of course) to her and demand a definition of "regular guy", but I know the remark was most benignly, dulcetly made.

It's bedtime.

I value your indignantly defensive instincts, even though unnecessary at the moment, and I value you -- extremely. Otherwise I wouldn't whine for your absence (or purr for your appearance). I'm not as hurt as I thought I was, and the storm is pretty much spent. A little numb, but intact and will recover the finer senses shortly, after a decent sleep...in taking which, though I may complain of it, you're wiser than I am.

If they get awkward about it, if they can't love you in spite of the fact that you're not a regular guy, it's plain they're not right for you... I know, that's cold comfort, but it'd be far worse to be with someone, get used to being around them, actually start investing deep emotions in them, /then/ discover that they're the wrong one... Far far worse.

Yeah, I know....that's why I blow myself up first these days, before things get out of hand. I can put myself back together, but I don't want to break up (again) on account of someone not being able to deal with me as I am.

Anyhow, the 'deep emotions' I had been investing were/are more of a mentorly kind, just being the person that helps someone start finding out a lot more about themself at a delicate point of awakening...and that's a serious enough thing that I can't just dump it. Just sucking it up. I think the main problem is that I'd opened up so much on that level of sharing and teaching that I was over-vulnerable on all others as well. Like when I'm feeding on music and am "open" that way and something irritating happens, I react much more violently.

I wasn't suggesting that you "dump it" particularly. I allowed for the possibility that you might still be friendly with the person in question, right from the get-go. I was only pointing out that these situations generally are not worth the grief, which I know you understand.

Baiting aside, I would've said much the same to your friend, there, if she had been my friend and spoken of a similar hurt. And I would've been equally unapologetic about it.

Moving on, I can understand what you're saying. It's hard to open up one way and not open up in others...

Right, not saying that anyone wanted me to dump anyone -- and really, I will if I need to. At this point in life, I've just about had my fill of people depending on me abjectly, so the main reason I send out anything of myself on an inequal basis is when I know I'm helping someone else grow...I know it's worth it then, and I think of it as my duty to play my part when fate blows heretofore-strangers into my IM windows and gets us into deep conversations.

It does have its emotional liabilities, though, and if I'm going to be so persistently "professional" about helping people then I have to be just as assiduous in making sure I'm taking care of myself as well. Empathic burnout ain't a good thing.

Hmm.....okay, just to change the subject a tad (blatantly evasive maneuver), has anyone tried looking up that phone number I left in the subject line?

So far, all I've got is that it's the number on Wolverine's dogtags...

/:)...

Hmm....I certainly can't see where that would be of any relevance to me......

*suspicious glare* You know too much.

Anyhow...I am definitely feeling better today.

I don't know nearly enough! ;-P
Glad you're feeling better.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

For a good time, call -- 458-25-243

I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

Re: I assume, then, that "are you okay?" would be a dumb question.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject