Okay, I know I make a habit of hardly ever posting anything of real personal information here, at least not anything that connects to the social world around me. The reason why?--It's generally all fucked up. And lately things are a bit more fuck-upped than usual.
My mother's husband may be dying a lot sooner than we expected, seeing as his old cancer (treated two years ago) has spread in his bones, to multiple areas. He's in hospital with congestive heart failure and pneumonia. He's also fifteen years older than she is, which actually comes out to a good deal older in body and habits. My mother has seriously suggested to me that, if/when he gets out of hospital and I still don't have a steady dayjob, she'll have me live with them to help out. Not just come over on a weekend or even for a few days in a row, but live there, 24/7, without access to my own home, computer, clothes, music, anything...but most of all, without having any contact with my own friends, on whom I rely a great deal to help me deal with the stresses of my family situation. I, for some selfish reason, have a problem with the idea of being shanghai'd into an indefinitely-long act of mercy...especially considering that I'm not actually related to the man atall, and have a hard enough time dealing with him in person when he's up and about. This whole thing has me in a serious guilt-trip that I wish were not such a quandary, I wish it were easier to see a way I could be helpful and virtuous and kind and be strong for my mother without sacrificing all my time and putting off (even further!) everything I'm trying to accomplish in life. I'm 29 years old, for fuck's sake, and I've got a life that's been put on the back burner long enough on account of everyone else's problems in my family -- and it's damn hard to be self-sacrificing when you realize that you've been deliberately or subconsciously sacrificing yourself for others' needs and priorities ever since you developed that niggling thing called empathy, concern, a social conscience. That you've had people walking all over you even when they protested vehemently that they were doing nothing of the sort, that it was just your overreacting and imagination, your being a selfish little stuck-up brat who didn't care for anyone but yourself....even when they said they wouldn't think of walking all over you because of your ungodly bad wicked evil Ginsu-tongued temper, which somehow was more serious and destructive a weapon than any brute physical force ever used against you, whatever the reason. Blaming you for everything, even and especially your own injuries. Always setting a condition on love, always trying to force your face to the ground, and then wondering why you found it so hard to stand up tall and make your own way.
Yes, I'm in a rare visible mood of hating my family, and everyone who assumes they're my family, and everyone who's ever gotten into my head when I was too young to know any better then to trust them somewhere, to listen to them more seriously than to my own heart, even when they were cutting my heart out near-systematically to feed their own hungry egos. If I were less scrupulous than I am, I'd be in a killing mood, or at least a very physically-abusive one. Just...fucking fed up with this fucked-up lying, thieving, falsely-healed dysfunctionality that's been stealing my soul all my fucking life. If there were a single symbolic ass to be kicked here, I'd kick it, thrash it, flay it, slice and slash it and tear it apart with my bare hands and teeth. I want revenge. I want bloody and foam-flecked heaving screaming-in-vain-for-mercy death in recompense for a thousand forced and persuaded deaths, a thousand compromises, a thousand delays and disillusionments. You want to know what's gone into this sudden rage of mood?--believe me, you don't ask that casually. Not from me. I'm a good person -- sometimes -- and othertimes I could easily believe that I'm the lowest and basest wretch in the world. If you can't understand that, deal with that, face that when you talk to me, then there's no point in asking "What's wrong?" I'm not in a good mood -- I hate people trying to use me. Even if it's a good cause, I hate being used, I hate being pushed, and most of all I hate this assumption that my life and strength are simply there for the exploitation until I'm pulling down a steady paycheck to feed into the household. I've fed it. I used to feed it half my earnings automatically -- but no, that never goes into any accumulated credit. Any status of mine here is ephemeral as the wind. And always "Jam every other day" whenever the matter comes up of how others have taken much more, done much less work, done far more damage with far less thought than I could ever muster. Families suck...a lot of things.
But eventually, and much sooner now in vision than before, I'll have a reason to leave the household's strangling grip and cease feeding, cease giving, cease trying to win anything more from that vast conditional heart of familial nature. I'm not an asshole -- I'm not an uncaring selfish son-of-a-bitch -- but I do have my own fucking life, and a right to my own desires within it. My headache's come back again (whether it's the low air pressure outside or the self-stress of talking this out on the screen & in my head), and I'm pissed. I need to gether myself and clear out the shit -- and yet the shit has been filling my life for so long that I have very little of idea of what a functioning and healthy psyche is actually like. I think a bonfire would be a good start, though, to burn out the old accumulated junk and maybe get a glimpse of the walls and floor -- and sky -- again.
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