Sermon: "Why Despair Is (Sometimes) Called A Sin"

[aureantes]

Because it makes God/gods really fucking frustrated when they're trying to show you they love and care for you through all the worst of things but you just can't seem to take a hint, or two, or three, or a thousand signs of affection.....because it's a slap in the face of agape, philos, and eros to say you lack the guts to take it seriously, or even acknowledge the sight.

Guess I must be a megalomaniac after all, because I think that I am destined to be like a god, admired and feared and worshipped but never actually loved.  Not that I could feel that if it happened, of course--slight defect there...still, I'm not defective in ability to love, and I think I may even overcompensate there in demonstration, just because I don't want to make anyone feel the way I do and have all my life, so disconnected....I don't know, is that grace or merely some vague unnameable guilt that drives me?

I am a raging tiger, a rogue and ravenous wolf.  When pressed or piqued or wounded to the quick, I am ruthless in return, giving as good as I get or much much worse--causing pain is an instinct with me, I know it well enough.  And yet it's not my desire to hurt anyone who merely stumbles....I'm just very - efficient at doing so...the best at what I do, in unpremeditated verbal savagery.

And of course, I need attention, energy, feedback, interaction--assuming one gives a damn for my presence at all.  Otherwise I haven't the energy to "participate" positively, if no one even notices when I'm gone.  I wonder if my friends notice me as much as I notice them...or is this just a stupid musing because everyone can't help noticing me whether they like it or not?  What kind of a force do I show in the world?--what influence, what path, what pressure do I cause?  What change have I made in others, and has it been for the better or not?  I can answer these things theoretically, and yet not believe them...not believe that there is any grace in me, because someone has misunderstood me tragically, and keeps doing so, and won't even take the smallest comforts I would offer freely without fear of being unworthy or obligated beyond their means.  The gods do not want protests of worthlessness when they give gifts--they want their gifts to be accepted, used, made the most of, not ignored...there is no hidden price here, no deep-condemning deal.  Can no one believe that I want the best for them, that I can lay my own desires and needs aside like a winter cloak, can hold myself on ice while trying to make sure that they find what's right for them?  Starvation and honour go ill together, though a fine tale of chivalry they can make, relinquishing love for loyalty..........

I have no irresistible lust in my interpersonal life, no selfish urge that could make me forget and override the bounds of respect between souls.  In order to find my heart and follow it truly, strongly, passionately to possess, to claim, to make my chosen mine without restraint, I should perhaps have to become a beast in truth, that this conscience and circumspection would no longer plague me with its weight.  To quote my current line, honour's a bitch sometimes.

Assuming you think it's honour that drives me after all....

 

Comments

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, any indication of influence... You are one of my most favorite people. (Your only competition is maybe a handful of family members, 4 on the high side.)
For me you are proof that there are people in the world who are worth knowing. I feel the least alone when we're writing back and forth. I think there's a lot of grace in you. Don't know if that helps at all...

It helps a lot....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

...even though I feel that it's a personal weakness to be dependant on others' positive regard, seeing as they might be mistaken, or I might be mistaken. I've lived most of my life as a loner, and sometimes I think the skills of social awareness are practically blind in me, so far as navigating and feeling my way. I think I have a phobia of grandiosity, at the same time as I cannot escape giving a certain impression of it. I also have recently been struck with the idea that I might have been Alexander the Great in a former life, something which seems both extremely logical for my character and extremely...well, as I said, grandiose--in any typical social analysis...

It's a paradox of grace, I suppose, that if you announce spontaneously to others that you possess it you almost certainly don't, and that the times when you are most in the practical flow of following duty or need, nothing exceptional or needing (or wanting) praise/recognition, are the truest moments of its manifestation--uncalculated, instinctive and humble. One does not speak of it--one does not want to. Sometimes it's impossible to feel it at all inside, even though there is evidence of deed, even though one can rationally see how it adds up to be something 'praiseworthy', there's something that separates it from all one's other physical and/or mental skills, prevents it from seeming any asset on its own. To truly be "a good person", perhaps one must be forever in deepest doubt as to the validity of that conclusion. And yet at the same time, not to care--that is, not to be watching the scoreboard in one's mind, to tally up the good deeds done, the needful words said at the crucial time, the positive PR in the outer world. Not to be watching one's moral investments for their anticipated return, but to act as if all these deeds and words both matter absolutely and matter not at all.

Which means, in short, that it's hard to know what what to do with any good repute, not that it's worthless but that it's worth so much to have done something to deserve it. And still one feels a bit stupid to have so little to say directly in return but "thank you"...

Re: It helps a lot....

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

I can identify with a lot of this... When I was growing up, caring about a person's opinion of me was usually the emotional equivalent of walking up to a professional boxer and saying "Okay, hit me! And don't hold back, now..."
I can also identify with being a loner and the difficulties that come with it.
I will say there are positive things about being a loner, though. It presents a perspective on things which sheep who run with the flock, so to speak, don't have. Plus you learn early on that no one's opinion of you is more important than your own. I wouldn't trade it, you know? :-)

>I think I have a phobia of grandiosity, at the same time as I cannot escape giving a certain impression of it.<

You do certainly give an impression of it. :-) I don't think it should anything to be afraid of, but I do understand what you mean. In life people who are different right from the get-go tend to have to put up with a lot of negativity from small-minded morons. Tends to make one not too keen on drawing lots of attention to oneself.


>To truly be "a good person", perhaps one must be forever in deepest doubt as to the validity of that conclusion. And yet at the same time, not to care--that is, not to be watching the scoreboard in one's mind, to tally up the good deeds done, the needful words said at the crucial time, the positive PR in the outer world. Not to be watching one's moral investments for their anticipated return, but to act as if all these deeds and words both matter absolutely and matter not at all.<

Perhaps... but doubt hinders so much. It's like trying to run while a badger's gnawing on your leg. I think keeping a score is a good thing, in that it's part of a person acknowledging their own worth. If a person doesn't stand up and say they're worthy, it's more likely that the things they're worthy of will just pass them by.

You're welcome :-)

Re: It helps a lot....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head, and all your insights are much valued....I think the thing that I want to avoid the most is hypocrisy, and coming from a mixedly-religious background (Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox), the structures of religious morality are things that I've had to "get out of my head" a good deal of my life in order to come to appreciate the essentials. And with people in general, sometimes I just have to get them out of my head altogether so that I don't react to their pressure more than to the situation at hand, which I need to solve myself.

And then other times, I really do wish I could get some useful advice -- when I need it. When there's actually someone who does know better than I do, or see me more clearly. Like James Dean in "East of Eden" -- "Talk to me, Father!--I gotta know who I am, I gotta know what I'm like..."

Or like that poem of mine on my website, "Seeking the true, oblique"...though that was largely inspired by T.E. Lawrence's attempts to see how others saw him, without his own subjectivity getting in the way...

And yeah, I know I'm (notoriously) prone to overkill on that count of modesty, far more than I oughta be...gotta, um, stand up and shake off those damn badgers from my leg more decisively.....(*grrr, arrrr...*)

Maybe giving myself the mental sanction to "bestride this narrow world like a colossus"...that'd be healthier, less obsessive, far less a rogue-wolf tactic...heh, maybe even get to accept being leader of the pack, so long as I tend to speak in feral idiom....

Re: It helps a lot....

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

"The first problem for all of us... is not to learn, but to unlearn" --Gloria Steinem :-)

>And with people in general, sometimes I just have to get them out of my head altogether so that I don't react to their pressure more than to the situation at hand,<

I can identify! Being a little bit empathic, before I learned to focus and sheild properly (more out of sheer desperation than any actual training), there were times when it was almost impossible to tell the difference between my emotions and other peoples' that I was just picking up on. Of course it isn't helped by the fact that, with a lot of people, if they can make you a puppet, they will, if only for the thrill of having one.

I don't know if I can guarrantee that what I have to say will always be useful, but if you ever need a sounding board...

>gotta, um, stand up and shake off those damn badgers from my leg more decisively.....(*grrr, arrrr...*)>

lol... yeah *sheepish grin* Weird analogy, I know, but I couldn't think of a better way to put it. ^_^

>Maybe giving myself the mental sanction to "bestride this narrow world like a colossus"...that'd be healthier, less obsessive, far less a rogue-wolf tactic...heh, maybe even get to accept being leader of the pack, so long as I tend to speak in feral idiom....<

In a way /more/ rogue wolf, as so few seem to have the courage to do just that. Certainly it would be more befitting of you, in my opinion.

Re: It helps a lot....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

Hmm....more rogue wolf...that's a very strong encouragement, you know..../:) I've recently been realizing how much of my positive interpersonal social traits are also wolfish...like the use of play in teaching, and being supportive of children as they learn. Roughhousing in general, and the snarling/growling/nipping/chasing of mock battle, whether with dogs or children, is an interesting sign of the pack leader, actually...

And badgers, well, I find it apt, as they're both badgering and tenacious in their digging.

The empathy...well, I just realized lately that that has always been a problem with me and others in my family, as my hypersensitivity to their moods and basic motives has often led to me reacting to things that they have not yet said or shown in a way that they themselves were aware of. Hence, they think that I overreact and for no reason, therefore taking offense at my attitude. And when I myself am feeling hostile or frustrated, I can make others feel very tense and pressured around me, 'cause I broadcast my raw emotions very loudly. I've always been stubborn, at least, but even so it's not always helpful to have a lot of pressuring opinions around oneself, because the static gets so strong--strong enough to impede one's progress even when one knows they're bloody wrong.

Hmm. Rogue wolf colossus raises mighty indestructible foot and squashes mundane badgers gnawing at ankles. As well as serpents biting at heels...damn bother, those. Though actually it's been the spiders and mosquitoes bugging me there...enh, too much drowsy rambling, better in the morning, as I'd hate one to be bored in being a sounding board...

Re: It helps a lot....

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

"I've recently been realizing how much of my positive interpersonal social traits are also wolfish...like the use of play in teaching, and being supportive of children as they learn. Roughhousing in general, and the snarling/growling/nipping/chasing of mock battle, whether with dogs or children, is an interesting sign of the pack leader, actually..."

As if you needed more proof ;-)
I've always admired wolves, though I think my association with them is more totemic than therian. Then again, I have no pack, so to speak; perhaps that has an effect... I had one once--and I think, really, that 'pack' would be the best word to describe it--but wound up being unforgivably betrayed. Perhaps this is part of why my feline aspect is the stronger in me, now. Hadn't really thought about that...

"And badgers, well, I find it apt, as they're both badgering and tenacious in their digging."

Grouchy too... Speaking personally, there are few things grouchier than me in doubt. So I guess it does fit... :-)

"And when I myself am feeling hostile or frustrated, I can make others feel very tense and pressured around me, 'cause I broadcast my raw emotions very loudly. I've always been stubborn, at least, but even so it's not always helpful to have a lot of pressuring opinions around oneself, because the static gets so strong--strong enough to impede one's progress even when one knows they're bloody wrong."

I can relate; I've been in much the same situation off and on through much of my life... But on the positive side, this ability to broadcast /can/ be put to good use... Things can be surprisingly willing to move, if a person's just willing to give a good hard nudge...

"Hmm. Rogue wolf colossus raises mighty indestructible foot and squashes mundane badgers gnawing at ankles. As well as serpents biting at heels...damn bother, those. Though actually it's been the spiders and mosquitoes bugging me there...enh, too much drowsy rambling, better in the morning, as I'd hate one to be bored in being a sounding board..."

Bored? Nah, couldn't happen... ;-)

Re: It helps a lot....>> "dual-boot" therian....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

Actually I've got a strong feline side as well, and a good deal more solitary....that is, I'm both wolf and tiger (nice predatory package, eh?), and with a definite high-soaring raptor aspect as well, which on this continent translates to red-tailed hawk....

Tigers are solitary hunters except when they're mating--and they're very territorial too, of course. I think that's a constant with me, to be territorial, though it's taken me a long time to grow into it--into everything, really--against the inhibiting influence of people who had these traits/natures themselves but left a bad taste in my mind. I used to have some definite personal issues against the wolf nature, because of the way that it had been presented by one who was overbearing, violent, boastful and domineering--so full of himself on the warrior/teacher persona that he was a poor example of either side of it. I had to get him well out of mind and into the past before I could open to who I am myself, and accept what is rightfully part of me.

Re: It helps a lot....>> "dual-boot" therian....

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should consentrate on healing that part of myself, then, so that I can see what's what... After all, the last thing I'd want is to let my former pack-mates hold me back from evolving into the best self I can be, eh? The best revenge is to live well and all that... /:-)

Re: It helps a lot....>> "dual-boot" therian....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

Yes, it definitely is the best revenge....though it's always nice to have the opportunity to rub their faces in it as well... I never really ran with a pack when I was younger, not so far as claiming affiliation with them, and all the groups I have been in, I've either been a lurker around the edges or high on the inside of things...well, possibly both at once, on occasion.

But yeah....healing is needed. To clear out the merely reactive shite and see what lies beneath, essential and unpretended...

Though, ya know, the thought of even pretending to be a real animal kinda scared the bejiggers out of me when I was little. 'Cause I always knew things could get a whole lot deeper and darker than the play others assumed...took a while to admit there was a pull there, much less an identity.

Re: It helps a lot....>> "dual-boot" therian....

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

*smiles and imagines rubbing away* Oh yeah... ^_^

Here's the thing of it. (hope you don't mind...)

We were a small troup (3 in all) but very close. Me, a girl, and a guy we shared. They were more family to me than family. Then the girl decided she didn't want to share anymore and, rather than telling me about it, started stealing things from me. (Of course, trusting soul that I once was, I never thought she was the one doing it.) It ended with her stealing my debit card, and video evidence of her using it. Worse yet, /he/ knew about it all and never told me. I loved him more than I had loved anyone before.

Betrayed, hurt, humiliated... Still not happy about it.

Re: It helps a lot....>> "dual-boot" therian....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

It always hurts more when it's people you actually love, not merely "get along with"....so far, I've only had people get in that far one at a time.

Sharing is a great thing, and there are times I wish I'd been able (so far) to form a circle that comes close to my ideals of intimacy and fellowship. Only thing is, some people don't really understand the meaning of the word...

Re: It helps a lot....>> "dual-boot" therian....

[litharriel.livejournal.com]

You ain't just whistlin' dixie.
It makes it hugely difficult to give people the credit they deserve, when you've seen what happens when you give them /more/ than they deserve... I think that's my biggest problem... Granted, by being a cynic I haven't been so deeply hurt since, but neither have I enjoyed life so much as I did before things went bad, there.

Then again, my joy ultimately proved to be based on an illusion.

I guess the big question is whether I think it'd be worth it to open up enough to try and find similar joy based in reality... Provided that's even possible... I have no idea whether or not it is...

[massagediva.livejournal.com]

I've never met you, but you are one of the most fascinating 'online' people and I love reading your journal and website. Your writing is rich and complex. I read whatever you've written several times to get through the layers. It seems to me that you are afraid to really embrace your gifts. Perhaps fear of rejection? Did you ever submit the story to the New Yorker? You are a gifted writer and you probably have many other gifts I do not know of, since we've never met. Honor keeps you true to yourself. Never apologize for this. Sometimes the best thing you, with your many gifts, can do is create your own niche. Perhaps you should consider your own online e-zine, for your work and others who meet your approval. Just a thought directly related to your passion of writing.

And I must remind myself, "Fortune favours the bold"....

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

[Body of intended reply posted as newpost, as it was too long by around a thousand words]

I'm trying to clear out the clutter decisively, both physically and mentally, as I know that it's stopping me from where I want and ought to be. Submitting things to magazines and contests hardly ever gets realized because I lose the necessary entry details easily and also have a habit of putting off the things I most enjoy doing and are best for me in the long run.

I would like to do an e-zine, but I do have to consider what if any income I can make with my art & writing in such ways--actually, the main reason I haven't submitted anything to others' zines (group-based ones mostly) is that they look at everything as a volunteer contribution, and furthermore don't seem to have the readership to encourage actual patronage from being featured. In other words, it's much like the assumptions of friends and neighbours that they can compliment you endlessly on your talents yet never actually buy your work or tell others about you (when it matters in blunt economic terms). The old taboo against mixing business and personal life has often meant that I'm too polite to ask for any payment for things I do (or that others offer only exposure and 'jam every other day'), and have wound up doing many things pro bono that probably should not have been.

Nevertheless....well, if people could only get the hint that I need more in life than a private pat on the back, that would help alot. I'm loath to offer things 'freely' to any group more intent on promoting itself solely than with mutual promotion and support. I know my stuff's good--I don't want it to be taken for granted, as it has been so much in the past--like schoolkids thinking that they can issue me orders for drawings without giving me anything but the reputation, whatever its length of life. I'm sometimes quite bitter about being shafted, underpaid, fobbed off with token gift-ish amounts or nothing but pie in the sky when I know I'm worth more than that, in practically everything that I do.

I may give group zines something, and something good--but I want something back that isn't just immaterial good will. I feel that I have a right to say that, to ask that where I contribute it get a decent recompense.

[...]

I shall repost this as part of a new post as well, as I am somewhat overdue for saying something current and visible "on my own account"....thank you for reminding me of the options that exist.

Torn between should I post or not?

[navalaya.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your posts. You write passionately and well. But as I am not added as a friend I didn't want to impose by posting on your page. However, after reading that I felt I had to let you know.. You are a fascinating person (on line at least) and I have much respect for you. So please, don't think less of yourself. As it seems in any case, there could be no less to esteem. You really have a gift, and an ezine would be cool if you did one. Time permitting of course.
Blessed be,
Nava.

Re: Torn between should I post or not?

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

Actually, if there *is* an interest, I would love to put one out--and would make the time to do so. My main frustration, really, is with the groups that I start in order to talk about things and then almost nobody wants to talk despite my most eloquent (or irascible) invitations. A venue in which contribution is the *main* thing, that would hopefully be a better encouragement, not to be alone in the boat.

And as for being a friend or not, I simply haven't checked my profile page yet to see any changes--I pretty much add anyone who's added me, and my apologies for not remembering that bit of maintenance. It does always help to be reminded that people are seeing/reading/thinking more than I tend to assume, and I don't count it as an imposition in the least. All of my best friends have been unexpected surprises.

:)

[navalaya.livejournal.com]

I must admit, that my contributions to LJ communities are sporadic also. It all hinges around whether I have to work or not. If not, I post nearly every day, and I certainly reply eventually, as I have it all linked to my email account. So if you want a community that has feedback, I would be happy to join. :) What were the last ones you started that you received little replies to?

I am interested in one that looks at the historical, and today's outlook on the mother/goddess/maohm topic. But I am unsure how to start a community and have little information about the entire topic on my own..

Anyway, thanks for your reply.
Love and light,
Navalaya

Hmm.

[poni.livejournal.com]

Well, I hadn't read so far into so much of the comments, as I'd only barely strayed past the first paragraph of the original post. I figured that I'd finally treat it like icy water- just jump right in, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad except for a few minutes.

I indeed feel considerably more like a horse's ass now.

Re: Hmm.

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

You are not a horse's ass -- that's a vile charade and you should by all means stop attempting to perpetrate it -- to yourself most of all.

My emotional problems are, in the end, my own problems, and I have no right to demand indulgence where no acknowledged bond exists. Luckily, it takes no such bond atall to give me the kind of things that actually are a tangible release. Hell, even torture is still attention, you know....lol

Besides, vis-a-vis my comments on not being loved, I might have told you before, I can't really feel it even where it does exist--have to observe and reason it out, therefore a fallible intuition. I suspect I'm lacking a few neural receptors, or else they're atrophied from disuse...sudden surges are a bit jarring to the system, while this machine is to me. Another reason why I'm so exceedingly curious about the overall course of my development...

Re: Hmm.

[aureantes.livejournal.com]

I knew I wasn't mistaken there, and I hope you don't think I'm quite so myopic as all that. Just that little matter of doing anything positive about it, instead of resigning oneself to an admittedly irritating mire. I have always tried to pull up, if not out--though you know that'd be my first choice, all fates and logistics willing. I'm not so foolhardy, though, to persist too aggressively where there's unwillingness, resignation, equivocation that tells me I'm just another complication. If I'm making things too difficult, I withdraw, albeit with some possible dramatic exit. Individuals are NOT just replaceable units in a machine--some, many human creatures may be so, but I don't deal with that sort in my personal life. Unique is unique, pain is pain, and a kiss is still a kiss.