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...one gets rather tired of getting stabbed in the back.
Let me explain. No, that'd take too long -- let me summarize: I suffer (literally) from an inability to really hold grudges perpetually or to take past history as dictating all present and future history. One may think that I am steadily biased against certain people for things they do, but I'm more likely to forget about whatever they've done as soon as they lay off it, and be willing to deal with them on a perfectly fresh and cordial footing. As a matter of fact, it takes a pretty strong recurrence of past "bad" in any relationship to make me forget the good and not take it into full consideration. Because I do believe in treating people fairly.
But lately. Lately I have had some lowminded, lackwitted, shallow sharp blows indeed, when engaged in matters of friendship and the maintenance thereof. People who would rather choose to follow those who manipulate and mislead them than listen to someone who would never play them false. People who think that friendship is a frivolous indulgence, something that apparently no longer has any seriousness to them, nothing to claim any importance or take any stand for compared to conventional taboos. People who think that friendship-or-love is only pain because that's all they ever let themselves get out of it in the end. People who just want to stay in their ruts and haven't the balls to deal with real people, or with realities outside their own delusions and resentments.
I'm a fairly discreet person, and I do not name names or spill details of altercations in my LJ unless it's over matters that went far beyond merely personal disagreements into real offensiveness. For the most part, I hold my tongue....even when someone knows that I don't approve of the choices that they've made in their life and the things that they've bound themselves into, it's rarely that frustration overrules tact, diplomacy, patience and working around whatever bars they've put themselves behind.
But I do not take rejection well, particularly from those to whom I've given nothing but acceptance and support and encouragement -- not for my own sake but for theirs, not trying to use or exploit them in any way (much the reverse, some might say).
I try to give people what they need to live, and then get stabbed in the back because they have no sense -- of whatever it is that drives me, whatever sense of honour and goodness and trying to fix whatever's wrong inside them that makes them think they're useless, worthless, fading -- look, people, you're all younger than I am, dammit (and that ain't changing neither), so I have a bit of a hard time believing anyone who says their life is settled and/or over at that point. Talk to me in another ten years -- oh right, you won't even think of me then, it might bring up teh past, nothx.
Do you have any idea how selective I actually am in friendship? I don't just go around looking for people to waste my ever-so-abundant time on, you know, and I'm hardly a person who lives on shallow chats and *pokes* and sharing YouTubes musicvids instead of articulate conversation -- if we were ever close in any way, there was a definite reason, though more and more I get the feeling that it's mainly been my stupid willingness to put myself out for anyone who looked like a worthwhile person.
If you're going to deny and be ashamed of me now, then you never deserved me in the first place.
Can I possibly say it more plainly? And whatever happens in the future, you will have no place with me in that either. Forget me, and forget about ever pretending to be anything of a companion to me. Have no joy of the sojourn, no benefit of the care, no gladness or certainty from anything that was ever said between us, no health nor happiness nor good fortune from all my wishes for you. You waste what I gave you, and I will take it back, out of the swell of whatever oblivious pride has made you not give a damn now, when I gave a damn for you.
You make your own cages, children. Go shut yourselves in tighter, lest you hear me.
_
Let me explain. No, that'd take too long -- let me summarize: I suffer (literally) from an inability to really hold grudges perpetually or to take past history as dictating all present and future history. One may think that I am steadily biased against certain people for things they do, but I'm more likely to forget about whatever they've done as soon as they lay off it, and be willing to deal with them on a perfectly fresh and cordial footing. As a matter of fact, it takes a pretty strong recurrence of past "bad" in any relationship to make me forget the good and not take it into full consideration. Because I do believe in treating people fairly.
But lately. Lately I have had some lowminded, lackwitted, shallow sharp blows indeed, when engaged in matters of friendship and the maintenance thereof. People who would rather choose to follow those who manipulate and mislead them than listen to someone who would never play them false. People who think that friendship is a frivolous indulgence, something that apparently no longer has any seriousness to them, nothing to claim any importance or take any stand for compared to conventional taboos. People who think that friendship-or-love is only pain because that's all they ever let themselves get out of it in the end. People who just want to stay in their ruts and haven't the balls to deal with real people, or with realities outside their own delusions and resentments.
I'm a fairly discreet person, and I do not name names or spill details of altercations in my LJ unless it's over matters that went far beyond merely personal disagreements into real offensiveness. For the most part, I hold my tongue....even when someone knows that I don't approve of the choices that they've made in their life and the things that they've bound themselves into, it's rarely that frustration overrules tact, diplomacy, patience and working around whatever bars they've put themselves behind.
But I do not take rejection well, particularly from those to whom I've given nothing but acceptance and support and encouragement -- not for my own sake but for theirs, not trying to use or exploit them in any way (much the reverse, some might say).
I try to give people what they need to live, and then get stabbed in the back because they have no sense -- of whatever it is that drives me, whatever sense of honour and goodness and trying to fix whatever's wrong inside them that makes them think they're useless, worthless, fading -- look, people, you're all younger than I am, dammit (and that ain't changing neither), so I have a bit of a hard time believing anyone who says their life is settled and/or over at that point. Talk to me in another ten years -- oh right, you won't even think of me then, it might bring up teh past, nothx.
Do you have any idea how selective I actually am in friendship? I don't just go around looking for people to waste my ever-so-abundant time on, you know, and I'm hardly a person who lives on shallow chats and *pokes* and sharing YouTubes musicvids instead of articulate conversation -- if we were ever close in any way, there was a definite reason, though more and more I get the feeling that it's mainly been my stupid willingness to put myself out for anyone who looked like a worthwhile person.
If you're going to deny and be ashamed of me now, then you never deserved me in the first place.
Can I possibly say it more plainly? And whatever happens in the future, you will have no place with me in that either. Forget me, and forget about ever pretending to be anything of a companion to me. Have no joy of the sojourn, no benefit of the care, no gladness or certainty from anything that was ever said between us, no health nor happiness nor good fortune from all my wishes for you. You waste what I gave you, and I will take it back, out of the swell of whatever oblivious pride has made you not give a damn now, when I gave a damn for you.
You make your own cages, children. Go shut yourselves in tighter, lest you hear me.
_
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