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Well, there's really nothing extraordinarily new that comes to mind, apart from the bitter cold and driven snow that hath descended amongst us.....really, I just wanted to put some distance between myself and that incident that's still referred to in my last post, as I don't particularly want to answer questions or challenges or anything about it....this is the point where I just let nature take its course and forget all about whatever has been too much of a bother and distraction in the first place. It usually has happened with relationships, historically, but applies just as well to Internet drama as to material studied up for tests and units and projects and quarter-courses, which vanishes like melting snow once the needful occasion is done.
The one thing that disturbs me sometimes is how susceptible I am to flattery, and how many people have used praise of my looks, my skills, my creativity, my brain itself to inveigle accommodation of their own demands and ego-hungers. It has taken far too great a toll on my life and energy, to closely-feed people who give me lip-service or tributes (embarrassing but true) to try to win me over. This is a general pattern, though more in effect online than off (afterall, we all are here craving some kind of attention), and it bothers me....especially since I have my perfect union now with Litharriel, and can see all the more clearly the differences between what we have between us in honesty and the manipulation I've encountered with women (and teenage girls, and men who behave like women in unflattering ways...) before and intertwined with this season of actual truth.
Looking over old love letters and their attached detritus reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am, instead of caught somewhere else, with anyone who would not, despite all my rosy-hued self-delusions, be truly "seeing me as I am", "understanding me", or "getting inside my world". Many are called but few are chosen? That does sound a bit harsh, unless of course one recalls in this the other close relationships that I still enjoy as well....indeed, up till the point when it became unavoidable that there was something between the two of us, I had more-or-less decided against seeking my own desire, and in favour of doing what I could to give love/understanding/contact where it was needed by kindred spirits, with a broad and pretty much polyamorous scope to that. I really can't say that that's gone away atall, either, except that I actually do have a wholehearted primary bond as well....a fitting mate, a partner-in-crime, someone who shares all my gutters and helps me with the furnishing thereof.....>:)
Hmm....okay, now I'm wondering in what words (and what language) I may have said these thoughts before, or anything like them.....:-?
Ahwell, back to the trance sessions, eh...?
The one thing that disturbs me sometimes is how susceptible I am to flattery, and how many people have used praise of my looks, my skills, my creativity, my brain itself to inveigle accommodation of their own demands and ego-hungers. It has taken far too great a toll on my life and energy, to closely-feed people who give me lip-service or tributes (embarrassing but true) to try to win me over. This is a general pattern, though more in effect online than off (afterall, we all are here craving some kind of attention), and it bothers me....especially since I have my perfect union now with Litharriel, and can see all the more clearly the differences between what we have between us in honesty and the manipulation I've encountered with women (and teenage girls, and men who behave like women in unflattering ways...) before and intertwined with this season of actual truth.
Looking over old love letters and their attached detritus reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am, instead of caught somewhere else, with anyone who would not, despite all my rosy-hued self-delusions, be truly "seeing me as I am", "understanding me", or "getting inside my world". Many are called but few are chosen? That does sound a bit harsh, unless of course one recalls in this the other close relationships that I still enjoy as well....indeed, up till the point when it became unavoidable that there was something between the two of us, I had more-or-less decided against seeking my own desire, and in favour of doing what I could to give love/understanding/contact where it was needed by kindred spirits, with a broad and pretty much polyamorous scope to that. I really can't say that that's gone away atall, either, except that I actually do have a wholehearted primary bond as well....a fitting mate, a partner-in-crime, someone who shares all my gutters and helps me with the furnishing thereof.....>:)
Hmm....okay, now I'm wondering in what words (and what language) I may have said these thoughts before, or anything like them.....:-?
Ahwell, back to the trance sessions, eh...?
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